As a young military prosecutor at Camp Lejeune in 2007, I was responsible for prosecuting some of the worst felony crimes from commands across one of the busiest military bases in the DOD. The cases included a steady stream of violent crimes, property crimes (like theft or vandalism), and various military offenses. My boss entrusted me with a big caseload, but I was confident in my ability to handle it.

One afternoon a sergeant major called to ask me about a unique case. One of her Marines had been a standout sergeant in the unit, a “water-walker.” However, he became a suspect in a grand theft case based on a video recording that captured footage of his truck. When agents went to interview the sergeant at his home, he confessed to the theft and more. It turned out that the standout sergeant by day was moonlighting as a drug manufacturer. He had ingeniously built an elaborate hydroponics lab containing rows of tall marijuana plants in his basement worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. On a whim one weekend, he and his brother-in-law had broken into the military exchange and stolen big-screen televisions. After the law caught up to them, the sergeant was headed to prison at Fort Leavenworth for several years. The sergeant major wanted to minimize the financial impacts on his wife and young children.

Frankly, the conversation seemed unremarkable to me at the time. As a lawyer, I thought it was a dumb question because the standard plea agreement covered forfeitures and left little room for discretion. So, I had curtly explained to the sergeant major that we had already taken care of forfeitures using the standard plea agreement. In other words, I was arrogant. I probably never would have thought about it again if my boss hadn’t stormed in a few minutes later, demanding to know why I’d been rude to the sergeant major. After he finished chewing me out, I decided to apologize. I knew that my professional relationship with the sergeant major was important, and we would need to work together in the future. I’d received feedback in the past that I could come across as condescending at times, and I realized that there was merit to her complaint. In retrospect, it was a defining experience that left me with five essential leadership lessons.

Lesson One: Replace a Task-Oriented Mindset with a Customer-Service Mindset

In today’s workplace, specialization and bureaucracy tend to reinforce a mentality typified by the phrase everyone hates: “That’s not my job.” However, the military is a team sport. Every job contains a customer service element. Field-grade leaders are expected to play utility ball on staff, which means completing a wide variety of tasks—i.e., what is commonly known as “other duties as assigned.” Also, field grade leadership entails developing professional skills in people of all ranks. Thus, people aren’t a distraction or an interruption, but our most valuable resource, and developing others is an ongoing requirement for field-grade leaders. Without people to lead, officers would not exist. In a word, mission effectiveness presumes that leaders take care of their troops.

Stephen Covey captures a customer service mindset with his recommendation to seek first to understand and then to be understood. Likewise, he advises aiming for efficiency with things and effectiveness with people.[1] Had I internalized Covey’s guidance on these points, how might the conversation have gone differently? What if, instead of brushing off the sergeant major’s concern, I had paused to consider that I might be missing something? Maybe I could have responded: “Sergeant Major, thank you for calling. Did that answer make sense? Do you have any concerns or recommendations?” The truth is, I was right about the technical answer; there wasn’t much substantively that the commander could do about the forfeitures. Yet, leadership effectiveness requires more than mere technical correctness. Adopting a customer-service mindset might have influenced my words and demeanor toward the sergeant major and prevented me from coming across as prideful and arrogant. Moreover, modeling humble leadership engenders cooperation and camaraderie in a unit.

Lesson Two: Address Your Blind Spots Proactively

In today’s leadership environment, there’s truth to the saying that “perception is reality.” A disturbing takeaway from the call is that I failed to see myself as another person saw me: cocky. After the call, I thought I had solved a problem and educated a non-lawyer about plea agreements. In contrast, the sergeant major thought she had taken the time to look out for a family and felt that she was treated dismissively by an arrogant officer.

Research in social psychology and leadership studies reveals the reality of blind spots.[2] Every leader has blind spots that, at their worst, can lead to serious ethical missteps. The first step to overcoming blind spots is to acknowledge that they exist. Regardless of raw talent and intelligence, leaders will not be aware of what they do not observe.

Conversely, one way to get ahead of blind spots is to solicit feedback.[3] As a leader, an unusual approach to this is to permit team members, or at least trusted individuals, to provide unvarnished feedback. Some leaders even try this in public.[4] While not every leader (or their subordinates) will be comfortable with such a radical approach—nor will it be appropriate for all contexts—the practice projects strength and confidence. Leaders who explicitly acknowledge their imperfections merely mitigate the inevitable gossip that occurs in private. Every boss needs to improve, and every subordinate knows it. Why not remove the incentive for private criticism and complaining? Being confident enough to handle feedback builds credibility and sets the tone for trust.

Lesson Three: Become a More Effective Listener

Effective listening is a critical leadership competency in short supply.[5] Most leaders will never completely master listening, which should be an intentional part of a leader’s development. In the military, the pressures of long hours, short deadlines, and many training requirements all compete for energy and attention. Technology exacerbates these demands as devices make noise and emails pour in incessantly. This profusion of stimuli competes for attention. Accordingly, leaders must work that much harder to listen well.

Listening genuinely means being interested.[6] Effective listening necessitates becoming interested in what others are saying, rather than planning what to say next. The skill of listening develops through deliberate practice sustained over time.[7] It requires something that not all military leaders have – patience.

Great listeners will discern unspoken, suggested, and/or implied messages. The expert listener will not only read between the lines but will intuit and experience what a speaker means to ensure that the speaker is understood. A critical insight for leaders is to remember to make the other person feel “felt.” [8] This can be especially useful when trying to persuade someone, or when a contentious topic is involved. In this case, better listening could have preserved an important relationship during what amounted to a relatively short communication.

Lesson Four: Learn to Apologize Quickly and Effectively

Inevitably, leaders make mistakes. A sincere and direct acknowledgment can go a long way toward repairing the damage of a mistake and restoring, or even increasing, trust. Kim Scott admonishes leaders to take responsibility for the “emotional wake” they create, or the damage inflicted based upon one’s emotional turbulence.[9]

In this example, it did not matter that I was factually right. Because of my overconfidence, I offended a key team member. The sergeant major was taking the time to look out for one of her troops. I realized my interpersonal ineffectiveness posed a detriment to mission effectiveness, and I had to apologize. I went to see the sergeant major and was brief and direct. I acknowledged that I was dismissive and rude, and said I appreciated her concern for the sergeant’s family. She was gracious about my apology, and through our shared professionalism, we repaired the relationship. The commander signed the plea agreement, and we moved on afterward to have an effective working relationship.

Lesson Five: Use Regular Reflection for Ongoing Improvement

Increased leadership effectiveness improves trust, which enhances efficiency and morale and enables a unit to withstand more adversity.[10] Conversely, a leader’s lack of self-awareness and self-control can hinder a unit’s readiness and performance.

To that end, a critical leadership practice is habitual reflection. Leadership experts recommend a journal to capture such thoughts.[11] Through reflection, such as writing about this failure, I can continue to learn and grow from this experience. Along with this practice of reflection, leaders can develop a learning and leadership agenda.[12] Writing is disciplined thinking that helps leaders clarify and sharpen their thinking.[13]

Reflecting in writing helps reveal patterns and areas that we can change, allowing leaders to learn from mistakes and avoid costly errors. For example, by making note of when I am most likely to be distracted or dismissive, I can identify trends and formulate a strategy to avoid a recurrence. In my case, I realized that I needed to become more organized to allow time for interaction with commanders and senior leaders. By planning engagements with senior leaders intentionally, I could reduce uncertainty and proactively strengthen lines of communication. Without that reflection, I would not have realized that I needed to work on that area.

In sum, the five takeaways I had from this experience were to develop a customer-service mindset, work to identify blind spots, become a more effective listener, apologize for mistakes, and cultivate the habit of continuous reflection. Further, officers are well-advised to respect and value the experience and expertise of their senior enlisted leaders. These are a few lessons I learned the hard way, and I share my missteps in the hope that others will not repeat them.

Lieutenant Colonel Dillon Fishman, USMCR, is a Marine Corps judge advocate. He has deployed twice to Afghanistan and once aboard the USS Tortuga throughout Southeast Asia. He is an adjunct professor of law at the United States Naval Academy and is a third-year PhD student in leadership studies. His civilian background includes nearly ten years of federal law enforcement experience. All views expressed here are the author’s personal views alone and do not represent the Department of Defense, United States Marine Corps, or any other federal agency.

[1] Covey, S. R. (2004). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. Switzerland: Free Press. p. 170.

[2] Bazerman, M. H., Tenbrunsel, A. E. (2012). Blind Spots: Why We Fail to Do What’s Right and What to Do about It. United Kingdom: Princeton University Press; Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box. (2008). Canada: ReadHowYouWant.com, Limited.

[3] Scott, K. (2017). Radical candor. New York: St. Martin’s Press. p. 35.

[4] Scott, K. (2017). Radical candor. New York: St. Martin’s Press. p. 131.

[5] Ferrazzi, K., Goulston, M. (2015). Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. United States: AMACOM. p. 55.

[6] Ferrazzi, K., Goulston, M. (2015). Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. United States: AMACOM.

[7] Ferrazzi, K., Goulston, M. (2015). Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. United States: AMACOM. p.57.

[8] Ferrazzi, K., Goulston, M. (2015). Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. United States: AMACOM. p. 53.

[9] Scott, S. (2004). Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work & in Life, One Conversation at a Time. United States: Berkley Books. p. 187.

[10] West, B., Mattis, J. (2019). Call Sign Chaos: Learning to Lead. United States: Random House Publishing Group. p. 102.

[11] Boyatzis, R., McKee, A., Boyatzis, R. E. (2005). Resonant Leadership: Renewing Yourself and Connecting with Others Through Mindfulness, Hope, and Compassion. United States: Harvard Business School Press. p. 138.

[12] Boyatzis, R., McKee, A., Boyatzis, R. E. (2005). Resonant Leadership: Renewing Yourself and Connecting with Others Through Mindfulness, Hope, and Compassion. United States: Harvard Business School Press. p. 95.

[13] West, B., Mattis, J. (2019). Call Sign Chaos: Learning to Lead. United States: Random House Publishing Group. p. 194.