You are probably expecting me to offer advice on how to achieve a state of bliss between service to the Army and time with your family. Sadly, I believe that achieving perfect balance between work and family is impossible. Balance, by its very definition, implies an equal distribution of weight. However, in my opinion, any implication that a service member can achieve a perfect balance is a lie. Instead, as Army Leaders we find ourselves in a state of constant internal conflict, an emotional struggle between the duality of our obligations to duty and to our loved ones. On one hand, we have the obligations to our oaths, our Soldiers, our unit, and a desire to accomplish the mission. In direct opposition, but no less important, are the commitments we have made to our loved ones and family. In more simplistic terms, you love two families; one of brothers and sisters in arms and equally important, your family. You will struggle to give both families the time, energy, focus, and love they both deserve and require. Nevertheless, it will never be an equal distribution, the gravity of this profession and the sincerity of love prevent this. If we try, seeking perfect balance becomes an unwinnable zero-sum game where a relationship will collapse.

Photo by U.S. Army Spc. Christopher M. Blanton

However, the inability to achieve perfect balance, an equal distribution between commitments, is not necessarily a negative. The tension we experience reaffirms our commitment to both families. Successfully navigating this tension requires us to change our definition of the problem. Stop seeking perfect balance and accept that it is unattainable. Instead, recognize that we can achieve a stable equilibrium. I define a stable equilibrium as a state where minor adjustments and actions on our part prevent either our professional or personal life from collapsing. Active assessment of what is important and where our personal presence will make a difference, moment to moment, is what is required. Assessment, adjustment, and action will allow you to maintain a healthy relationship with both your profession and your family.  It is not easy, in fact, if it becomes easy to choose one family over the other, I would suggest it is time to re-examine your life goals. Here are a few suggestions to help you find and maintain equilibrium.

1 – Identify the main effort. Our doctrine identifies the main effort as the “designated subordinate unit whose mission at a given point in time is most critical to overall mission success.” While our family and loved ones may shudder at identification as a subordinate unit, the imagery is helpful. In any operation, the main effort will switch between units. As the main effort shifts, you will bolster it with resources to succeed. Be honest in assessing what is your “main effort” and commit to resourcing it with personal presence.

2 – Identity what is important. Some events are too important to miss regardless of what mission is most critical. Clearly articulate to yourself and your family how you will identify what is important. While this is a highly contentious discussion, it is worth having. A useful model to identify what is important that I have embraced over the years is:

– It is important if it affects someone that is important to you.

– It is important if your personal presence makes a difference.

– It is important if the event will only happen once.

Once you identify what is important, adhere to being present for those events. It is your “main effort,” so bolster it. Trust in your subordinates. Shut off your phone and focus on your “main effort”, even if it is only a few hours.

3 – Ruthlessly manage your time. There are 86,400 seconds in a day. That sounds like a lot, but those seconds tick by fast. Six hours of sleep consumes 21,600 seconds. One hour of physical training or a one-hour staff huddle will take 3,600 seconds away. As your time in service increases, the ability to control seconds decreases; as family commitments grow, your control of time decreases. Identify how you will manage your time and treat it as the most precious resource. You must constantly examine how you are maximizing your time to achieve equilibrium. How much time did you commit to checking Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram while at work? What could you have accomplished in that time? How many times did you pull your Government Issue cell phone out at dinner or the movies? What family member did you ignore to check an email? A practical application to managing your time is to hold a “calendar scrub” with your family. Using your work calendar, review the week with your family. They will help you identify what’s important, when your main effort must shift, and manage your time. While the Army will always get a vote, now your family will get a vote as well.

4 – Remember your subordinates. We often say a commander sets the tone by when he leaves a unit. Leaving at an acceptable or reasonable time is not enough. As a leader, you must ensure that your subordinate leaders understand balance as well. The rise of Objective – T will make this even harder. In order to assess your unit as trained in a task requires a significant percentage of your leaders and Soldiers to be present. Ensuring that a company commander or platoon sergeant knows that allowing a Soldier to go to a high school graduation is more important than gunnery or a field exercise requires communication. One subordinate leader not aligned with your intent can have disastrous consequence on morale in a unit. You must have a similar conversation with your boss to ensure you are aligned with their intent and guidance. Deployments, CTC rotations, training exercises and events are critical to our readiness, but in many cases, the needs of our Soldiers are more important.

Even if you disagree with my belief that perfect balance is untenable, the four points above are helpful in creating the right conditions for you and your Soldiers to flourish in a demanding profession. The risk associated with failing is high. Lean too far one direction and our Soldiers will believe we are not genuinely concerned for their well-being and readiness. Lean too far the other and you risk losing your family. Chin up. Shoulders back. It is possible to enjoy the best aspects of both the profession and home. It just takes work. So, get to work.

LTC Dave Wright is an armor officer and a graduate of the School of Advanced Military Studies (SAMS). He previously commanded the 1^stSquadron, 1^stCavalry Regiment “BLACKHAWKS!” and is currently the Combined Arms Battalion Senior Trainer at the National Training Center, Fort Irwin, CA. Follow his tweets on training, leadership, and doctrine @102ndblackhawk6 on Twitter.